In today’s post, I’m sharing suggestions on how to “get through” some of the trenches of infertility. From personal experience, I remember feeling isolated, agitated, and afraid during this season, and many of my clients have shared similar sentiments about this period of time in their lives, too. Read on for some helpful tips that may come in handy when all you really want to do is lose your shit.
*Baby showers, children’s birthday parties or other holiday get-togethers…these can be some of the most painful hurdles to navigate. If it is too difficult to attend these types of celebrations, avoid forcing or “guilting” yourself into going. Allow yourself to set limits around your time with friends and families that have children, if you need to. It is perfectly okay to decline an invite, and avoid pressuring yourself to give a lengthy explanation of your absence to the hostess. It's not as though you're resolving to never again attend...it’s just for now.
*Connect with others that are going through a similar experience, or those who have “been there, done that.” I can’t emphasize this one enough. When I look back on that period of time in my life, I wish I had reached out to someone earlier. For a long time, I didn’t tell anyone what was happening. Instead, I frantically busied myself with work, while simultaneously getting sucked into panic, shame, and grief. About five months into the process, I finally got the nerve to reach out to a friend of mine that “had been there, too.” She listened to my tears, encouraged and reassured me, and it was such a relief not to have to explain to her what I was going through because she already understand on many levels. Resolve.org is a great resource to identify additional people and resources that you may find helpful during this time.
*Ask your loved ones if they would be willing to listen to you share what’s going on. Although you are may notice you’re feeling hurt and frustrated with their responses to your situation, keep this in mind: If they haven’t been through infertility, miscarriages, and these types of losses, it’s tough for them to understand. They just don’t get it. And sometimes the people closest to us just don’t know what to say in times like these. Educating your family can be difficult, but perhaps talking with them will give you an opportunity to let them know what you need from them.
*If you’re in a partnered relationship, allow your partner to show their feelings. This can be a tricky one. When you and your partner are on different pages about how to proceed in response to infertility, it can be difficult to remain supportive of one another. Sometimes, it’s helpful to go on hiatus and avoid making any decisions about the future for a period of time. For some couples, it might be a few weeks. For others, it might translate to six months or more. Try to allow the other person “to be where they are at” in terms of their emotions and perspectives. Agree to explore the topic again after you’ve both had some time to think. Sometimes, your partner might just need to be reassured that you’ll be able to reach a “new normal after infertility”.
*Consider finding another person to talk with, other than your partner, mom, or best friend. Sometimes, this is where a therapist trained in infertility, grief, or loss may be a good idea (shameless plug here, but really sometimes this can be incredibly helpful).
*When it feels like the whole world is pregnant except for you, how do you handle your emotions in a healthy way? Allow yourself to cry and be angry during this process. It’s difficult to be happy for family and friends that are expecting. These are the moments where you might have to “Fake it till you make it,” by smiling and congratulating them, even though you feel anything but happy for them. It’s also perfectly fine to try and change the subject after a few minutes to a topic other than babies or parenting.
*Understand that you may lose some friends during this time. There may be some people that don’t get what you are going through, and are not supportive. However, you may meet others going through a similar situation and develop new friendships. Explore the possibility of explaining to your friends, “I’m in “this place” right now, but it’s temporary. I won’t always be in “this place”, and we’ll reconnect in the future”. It's okay to take a break from a friendship. If they are true friends, they'll still be there later.
When you’re in the black hole of infertility, it often feels like it’s going to last forever. And it seems almost impossible to believe this will pass, or that you will move forward. But whatever happens, it IS going to pass. Your situation is going to resolve itself, one way or another. In the meantime, having a plan for dealing with some of the tough stuff, and a safe person to talk with can be a lifesaver!